Joke Thread

There's this newly wed couple who lived in a far away desert. They didn't know what the religious rules about bedroom 'ethics'. The husband wanted to find out what was allowed, and what wasn't.
So they went to see their religious elder.

Man: Guru, please tell us what is forbidden in our religion?

Guru: There are many forbidden acts, such as a man must not be dancing with a woman. Thou must not steal. Thou must not kill.... (he goes on to name the other rules similar to the 10 commandments)

Man: Ok, let me ask you this.... i heard it is ok to have 3 wives in our religion? Is that true?

Guru: Yes, that is allowed. As long as you love them.

Man: :) wow ok, great. Now that I'm married, is it ok to make love with my wife with the lights on?

Guru: I don't see why not.

Man: Is it ok to make love with my wife many times a day?

Guru: The holy books doesn't say it's forbidden.

Man: Is it ok to make love with all my 3 wives in the future at the same time?

Guru: As long as they are your legal wives, there's nothing wrong.

Man:Regarding positions, Is it ok to make love standing up?

Guru: OH MY GOD! NO! NO! THAT IS ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN!

Man: Wha-? Why not? What's wrong with the standing position?

Guru: Because, it may lead to DANCING!
 
Ineptocracy: noun: a system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to susteain themselves or succeed are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers
 
Life's Demerit System

All men will attest to some real wisdom in this email...
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)

PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)
 
Morning Parade: RSM; "Johnson, Your Mother's dead
Company, Fall out!"

Colonel; 'RSM Johnson this morning,
bit harsh,
his father has passed too, be a bit gentler when you inform the man'
"Yes Sir"

Evening Parade: RSM; "One pace forward every man who's father is still alive.
Johnson yew orrible luttle man,
get back in line"
 
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man breaks wind and says, 'Goal.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'One each, scores tied?....'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 2 to 1.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'2- 2, scores tied.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
' I lead 3 to 2.' Now the pressure is on the old man

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ***** himself in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
 
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.
How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
 
AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

Look frank... there's that f@@@ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
 
Two prawns, Harry and Christian were walking along the ocean floor when suddenly "POOF!" Out jumped a Cod. Harry and Christian were startled but the Cod said, "don't be frightened, I am a magic Cod, I can grant you a wish. I can turn you into any other sea creature that you want to be."

Harry was really excited and said, "I would like to be a Shark, because everybody respects a shark and I will be the boss of the ocean."

Suddenly Harry turns into a Shark and swims off.

Turning to Christian, the Magic Cod says, "What about you Christian, what would you like to be?"

Christian shrugged his shoulders and said, "I'm happy being a prawn thanks all the same."

So the Magic Cod left and Christian scuttled off home.

As the months went by Harry was getting tired of being a Shark as nobody liked him and all the other sea creatures were scared of him so he spent months seareching for the Magic Cod so he could be released from his spell.

Suddenly, POOF! the Magic Cod appeared before him. "Please Magic Cod Harry pleaded, please turn me back into a prawn. Harry explained why he hated being a Shark so, the Magic Cod turns him back into a Prawn.

Harry was excited and the first thing he wanted to do was go and see his old friend Christian.

Harry knocked on Christian's door.

"Who's there," cried Christian.

"It's me, Harry your old friend"

"Go away," replied Christian. "You're a Shark, if I open the door you will eat me."

"No, no," said Harry. "I'm a Prawn again Christian."
 
So I'm lying in bed the other night and the missus turns to me and says "turn off that lamp and I'll take it from behind".

On hindsight I should have let the bulb cool down first.
 
The best divorce letter

My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you.

I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to
show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the
last straw.

Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new
hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new
nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything
that connects us as husband & wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.

Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!


REPLY: Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining
& bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that
came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment......and when
you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it,& I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris , but when I got home you were gone.Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

Ps. - I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla.
I hope that's not a problem.
 
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing.

She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.

The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"

The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
 
A lady, about 8 months pregnant, got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he
had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved
and sat under a sign that said 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the
swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
 
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

“What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring
my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs
The drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and
Squeezes the hell out of my nuts."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,

You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
 
Woolworths murder joke

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...


(You're going to hate me for this ... )




' ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS ! '
 
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.*He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'.The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the f*** do you want?' 'Ah ha!' he says "Qantas".
 
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment
 
123 said:
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.*He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'. The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'. Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'.The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the f*** do you want?' 'Ah ha!' he says "Qantas".
Click to expand...

Fantastic !!!
 
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