Joke Thread

[redwing]

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."

 

[redwing]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

 

[willair]

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

 

[M.Investigator]

Lets bring out those jokes for a change...

Q What did mayonnaise tell to the fridge?

A "Please close the door. I am dressing"

 

[7smurfs]

Lets bring out those jokes for a change...

Q What did mayonnaise tell to the fridge?

A "Please close the door. I am dressing"

LOL I love these lame ones

 

[locko24]

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You borrow against the cows from the Germans
You kill the cows and make souvlaki
You cant pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You cant pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You cant pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money
You cant pay the interest so the Germans lend you more money ......

Wasn't this posted earlier, and someone spat it because it was apparently racist?

 

[Mr. Fabulous]

An Aussie goes to New Zealand for a holiday. He's walking around enjoying the sights when he comes across a bloke having relations with a sheep.

He walks up to the guy and says 'Mate, in Australia we shear our sheep.'

The New Zealander looks at him and says 'I'm not shearing this sheep with anyone!'

 

[The Fence]

Bunch of blokes standing around a bar drinking and complaining about their ailments as usual and the conversation got onto the age old problem of gout.

After all the possible causes and remedies were discussed with emphasis on the fact that no-one dare touch the leg or foot of the person with gout as any pressure at all, even the weight of a sheet lying in bed can cause terrible pain.......they all took a big swig on their beers and then one bloke piped up with....

"Well then my Missus must have gout..!"

The other blokes look puzzled at each other and one of them asks....

"yeah...how do you know...?"

Bloke replies with...

" yeah....well, last night laying in bed, I touched her on the leg & she yelled out...GEOUT...!!!

 

[VYBerlinaV8]

A traveling salesman knocks at the door of a home. A 6 year old boy answers the door, naked except for a cowboy hat, holding a glass of scotch and cigar in one hand and a pronographic magazine in the other.

The salesman asks: "are you parents home"?

The boy answers: "what the f*** do you think"?

 

[Player]

Wasn't this posted earlier, and someone spat it because it was apparently racist?

Not sure locko...........it's all Greek to me.

If it offends anyone, the mods can pull it off the board.


The (Ancient) Greek culture has made many contributions to western civilization. The ancient Greeks affected our fine arts, government, sports, medicine, and philosophies. The Greek culture along with others has had a profound impact on the way people live nowadays.

Bear in mind they were also the first to create fiat currencies as they debased gold coins by rubbing/filing a portion of each meaning it weighed less yet was traded the same face value. If I'm not mistaken, most round coinage these days have scored perimeters to avoid this particularly with silver coins used last century.

Being of that extraction, I probably should have substituted goats for the cows in the joke.

 

[redwing]

A Biker Legend

Don't find many Heroes like this one!!!!

On January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .
So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

[buzzlightyear]

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

 

[mumbai]

Blonde time again---

A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang.

"Who is it?"

"Blind man," came the response.

Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door.

The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"

 

[M.Investigator]

Spice of life!

Man : I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "

Saleslady: "Sir Those are pickled onions!''.

 

[MarkB]

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomiac?
He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.


and in a similiar vein...


So I went to the zoo the other day, but all they had was a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.

 

[redwing]

Wonderful Word Definitions

School
A place where parents pay and children play .

Life Insurance
A contract that keeps you poor all your life
so that you can die rich.

Nurse:
A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills .

Marriage
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters...

Divorce
Future tense of Marriage.

Tears
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power...

Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" .

Conference
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary
A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father
A banker provided by nature.

Criminal
A person no different from the rest
....except that he/she got caught.

Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and
your confidence after .

DOCTOR
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic
Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile
A curve that can set a lot of things straight .

Office
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb
An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life to be wise

 

[7smurfs]

What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing... they just waved.

Why was the cross eyed teacher a bad teacher?
Because she couldn't control her pupils.

 

[Player]

The Power of Prayer​

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, a man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked :"Jack, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Jack replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Jack's ear, placed his other hand on top of Jack's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Jack, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Jack, how is your hearing now?"

Jack answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week!"

 

[Blacky]

A Magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did The same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to Understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it’s not the same hat!" or,
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the Captain's parrot!

Then one stormy night in the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days, and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....
"OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship !”

 

[Player]

These are brilliant, especially the last one
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, those are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'..
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
EXCELLENT - - - - - - - BEST SO FAR !

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'