Jokes

Funny one Topcropper.

Picture this one:
Two polar bears standing next to an igloo, one has lifted up the igloo and the other is standing next to him, and there is an eskimo running off in the distance.
Polar bear 1 goes " I lift, you grab .... was that concept just a little too complex Carl ??"
 
Mum sent me this, throwing all pretence of PC out the window, here goes

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.
Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic bra supports the masses.
The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen,
The Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
"A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills.
 
One for the Golfers and one for Geoffw

A woman golfer comes running off the course yelling, "I've been stung by a bee!!!"
The groundskeeper asks her, "Where were you stung?"
She replies, "Between the first and second hole."
The groundskeeper says, "You need to close your stance."




A rope walks into a bar, sits down on a barstool and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Can't you READ?" and points to a sign on the wall behind him that says "Sorry, we don't serve ropes."

Dejected and thirsty, the rope walks outside and sits down on the curb. After a few minutes of moping, he has an idea. He quickly takes his top half and loops it around itself, then unravels the top part. Then he gets up, walks back into the bar, sits back down on a barstool and orders a beer.

The bartender, getting irritated now, says, "Look, I told you before, we don't serve ropes. Aren't you a rope?"

The rope says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."


Found on todays dilbertblog
 
I went to the cemetery yesterday and

there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin.

3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself : 'These buggers have lost the plot.'

:rolleyes:

Sorry, that was bad!!!! .... but I liked it! :p
 
A bra and a pair of jumper leads walk into a bar...
They take a seat and order 3 pints...
Barman says "I'm sorry but I can't serve you lot"
"Why not?" asks the bra...
Barman replies "Well, you're off ya tits and these two look like they're about to start something"
 
----- These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
A story heard on US news radio:

Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He immediately gets a hold of his friend and they go do some male bonding. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen.

These 2 Atomic Brains go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse.

Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG ????

Yes, the dog. A highly trained Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now.

The dog, well it is happy and heads back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2 bozo's now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights than ever before. Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds.

Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find cover, with the now really short short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.

The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice.

BOOM !

Dog dies, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.
 
This is an old joke that I had completely forgotten, but fortunately it was one of two jokes I received in my morning emails. Unfortunately I can’t post the other one, but this one is still very funny.

The seven dwarfs left their home on a pilgrimage to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. As Grumpy is leading the pack the Pope addresses him. “Grumpy, my son, what can I do for you?”

Grumpy replies with a question, “Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe”

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, “I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting….”Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!”
 
Here's one for star trek fans.
What does the Starship Enterprise have in common with loo paper?

They both go around Uranus looking for Klingons......

7year old humor.:D
 
Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies

:D:DDuring all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of the MCG stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
 
Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people:

Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the **** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their **** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". ****ing right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the ****ing floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the ****?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever ****ing does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you ****ing McTosser.
 
A bloke phones up his lawyer and asks the lawyer could he answer 2 questions for $500. Sure says the lawyer no problems - now whats your 2nd question! :D
 
I bought a teddy bear for $10 and sold it on eBay for $20.

Now I have got the Sudanese Muslims after me for making a prophet out of a teddy.
 
Dazzling

Thought of Dazzling and his dislike for Lawyers when I read this one:

> A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and
> Dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
> Fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up
> On his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
>
> The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
> I'm going to retrieve it."
> The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
> Here."
>
> The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
> United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
> Take everything you own.
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
> Disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements like this; with the
> "Three Kick Rule."
>
> The lawyer asked, "What is the Three
> Kick Rule?"
>
> The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
> Go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
> On back and forth until someone gives up."
>
> The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
> He could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
> Custom.
>
>
> The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
> Attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot
> Into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to
> The midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
>
> The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end,
> Sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
> The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
> Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
> Now it's my turn."
>
>
>
> The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.
 
Dieting after Christmas

After Christmas
================

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt

I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!


~Author Unknown~
 
Diaries: Male vs Female

WOMANS DIARY

7 Oct 2007 Sunday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him.

Thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

Cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.


MAN'S DIARY

8 Oct 2007 Monday


Holden lost at Bathurst.
Feel gutted.
Got a root though.
 
Nomadic, that reminds me of this:

manWomanControlPanel.jpg
 
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