Marriage in trouble

R

reallyconfused

Hi,

I am in the top 300 posters here but I have registered a new name to hide my identity

I value people opinions on this forum, that is why i have gone to so much trouble to tell you about my situlation.

Married 10 years, with kids.

My wife and i have been growing apart for a year or so now, we have very little in common.

She is hard to live with, i am sure i not to easy either.

3 months ago, i caught her chatting on yahoo or something, i saw a lot of messages she was writing to her male friends, they would make you toenails curl.

Anyway, i confronted her about it, she was shocked i found out. She said sorry and wouldn't do it anymore. So a week later i logged on to yahoo as a guy and started chatting to her, within a couple of days, i had her under my desk, if you know what i mean.

I confronted her agai, i said you are still chatting aren't you, she said yes but just friends........................but the funny thing about all this is, she still tried to hide it all from me.

Yes, i know the question begs, why was she chatting in the first place, was she not getting enough out of our marriage.???

At this point she wanted to get skype, video chat with her family, i said ok. Look she said, i chat to guys, you go and chat to some girls, its just a bit of fun.

So i started to chat to on skype..........i have chatted to lots of girls, not dirty stuff, just friendly chat......................and you guessed it, I have found a girl that i am very much attracted to and she feels the same way.

We have so much in common, so much it is scary.

I have young kids, i am not in love with my wife anymore, sometimes i don't even like her. I have fallen for this other person.

Help!!!

Reallyconfused
 
Hi there,

I think its really important to keep the two relationships separate.

Your wife and kids were there first. I think you should work out once and for all if you guys are going to really try to work things out or call it quits and make a clean break from each other. This is especially so for the sake of the kids, it will be hard enough on them whatever happens.

Just cos your wife has greyed this area, shouldn't mean you do too.

Once you have sorted out the above, then turn your attention to your new friend. If she is going to be true friend, she should understand why you need a bit of time to do this.

Sorry you are in this situation, there are no easy ways forward.
 
Are you sure you are not in love with your wife anymore? How would you feel if you were away from her? Would you miss her?

Seperation is a very painful experience , I was in a relationship (marraige)for 7years which took me a lot of time to recover from. Sometimes people don´t appreciate what they have until they lose it by which time its too late.

If you decide to save your relationship you obviously need to work on it, it is obvious both of you are looking outside of your relationship to fulfill some sort of need. Not a good situation when you are supposed to be in a relationship with someone else. Maybe councelling may help if you both agree you want to save your marraige?

Sounds like your wife has been flirting, would you go as far as to say it is cheating? I for one don´t give second chances for cheating/flirting.

I met my new husband on the internet years after I seperated from my first husband.(I was not in a relationship at the time) I can tell you its a bit of a fantasy world, was quite magical for us. I wasn´t looking for a relationship on the internet just kind of happened, was trying to practice my spanish actually and ended up with a husband.

If I were you I would not go any further with this new friend until you sort out your feelings for your wife, unfortunatly once you cross that line (infidelity) nothing will ever be the same as much as you may want it to.
 
I think maybe you need to deal with the potential loss of your marriage first before thinking that you may have 'fallen in love' with an anonymous person on the internet. Gosh, the internet allows us to create a personality that may be so far removed from reality - alter ego, the person we might wish to be rather than the person we really are. Your new love could even be your wife - or a guy? a teenager? How do you know she is whom she says she is?

Maybe you both just need some time away together from the kids to reconnect with each other - remember those special things that you felt about each other before you kind of lose them in the world of babies, children, work, paying the bills and the mortgage. Isnt it worth exploring this before you call it quits? I think you owe it to your kids to explore every possibility before you head down a one way path.

When people become busy and distracted it is easy to kind of create a life and do things that dont include the other party.

Try not to confuse the imaginery world of who you (and others) might be on the internet. Maybe we all like to flirt a bit on the internet but never for an instant would that be confused with wanting it to become anything more than that.
 
Life is short...really short.
It takes a long long time to get to know someone really really well.

Don't EVER believe that a bit of LOL, great SOH, ROFL, with someone sitting in front a computer somewhere else is the real thing. 50% of the population can put across a resonant persona on the net. 20% of those can probably say enough to make you believe they are your soul mate.

But you never ever know anyone until you live with them, for a few years.

The whole internet chat thing can be seriously deceptive. You want to take stock of how emotionally vulnerable you are at the moment....how open you are to reading into what another says, what you feel you need to hear.

A bit of fun on the net says nothing about whether that new person will hang around and look after you if you get sick or incapacitated. I don't know how old you are but you want to consider carefully the boundaries you and your partner have crossed.

It isn't just about you two. It is about your children.

And if you want a path to poverty, then divorce is a pretty good way to go about it.


Apart from that, if you feel you and your partner have irreconcilable beliefs and values, then maybe it is time to part. Just don't make the mistake that the grass is greener. Whether it is the better thing to part or not, you will definitey go through a lot of darkness if you part.
 
a few comments from someone who has been there - but we didn't end it very well.

firstly, you both need to stop looking outside the marriage for answers and fullfillment - that doesn't mean it's going to work out between you, but does mean that you have the "earn" your way out. that means you need to try everything possible to make the marriage work (including counselling - separate first and then together) - and if it still doesn't work then call it quits.

kids would rather come from a broken home than live in one.

read and share "relationship rescue" by phil mcgraw. i don't care what anyone says, it's one of the best relationship self help books you can buy - even if you just buy it yourself and read it. might makes sense of a few things.

remember that usually one person falls out of love first, so that makes it very difficult for the other to understand what has happened.

but the first thing you have to say to yourself is "what can i do "for" my wife" - not what you need, not what she can do for you but "what can i do ... " . and she needs to do the same (but may not choose to do so. this should not stop you from doing so).

what are both of you contributing to the relationship? someone here needs to be a hero and stand up and say "this relationship is worth working for the sake of the kids". or not.

if, after trying every other avenue, it still is not going to work - then bail. make a clean break. take emotion out of the equation and try and get on for the kids sake.
 
I think you guys are being unfair to each other because you are about to end something without giving 100%.

How can you say you have nothing in common? can you not remember all the reasons that made you want to marry her in the first place? if she has changed then you guys need to sit down and discuss it.

You also have to remember the vowels you made to each other and stick with it because it's uppsoe to be forever, surely you must have known that when you got married?

Look...it's very easy for anyone to become promiscuous, to have other thoughts, to find an 'online' soulmate etc The point is that neither you nor your wife should have put yourself in that position in the 1st place.

One of the things I sacrificed when I got married was going clubbing every weekend...no, there's no harm in wanting to get dolled up, dance all night and party withs ome girlfriends but I'd be subjecting myself possibly to other mens advances. How many can I resist before one thing leads to another? that's human nature. You just don't do things like that at all....

well your wife thinks it's fun and she feels atractive that men are chatting her up. Even if she's not doing anything physically...it's not on...shouldn't be happening. However, whatever you guys have done up to now can be forgiven because it takes two and you both did wrong.

As for this women that you like/love...it's just lust. Refrain yourself from the internet and all communication with her, go away with yoru wife and kids and you'll be over it. Have you seen her? Even if everything seems right, when you meet up in the future don't be surprised if there's no chemistry at all. Trust me, as it's happened many time...internet lust can become infatuation until you meet them in person then it could be a complete waste of time.

Ok, so what if she meet her and you like the way she looks and she's just as you thought/as she described/as in photo....do you think you will live happily ever after? what about 10 yrs down the track and you hit a rock in your relationship? will you just give up again?

You could be just swapping one set of problems for another.

Point is that you need to work it our with your wife and for the sake of the children. Not to be in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children but to re-discover all the reasons you feel in love in the first place, to cherish all the memories that you have built for those 10yrs+ an dprovide a safe and happy home environment for the kids.

If you and your wife want to save your marriage at all first you need to be committed and secondly, you probably need some help. Speak to Relationship Australia and get rid of the computer!

I think it's really brave of you to post your problems on here....no relationship is perfect and many suffer in silence. Take care
 
Well you have sent out an open invitation to comment, so here's my sage advice. You are hearing this from someone who still goes weak at the knees in the arms of her beloved (and he's been with me for over three decades now).That doesn't mean we haven't had flat patches too. I seem to remember the 10 year mark for us was pretty average.

It sounds to me, like you've both drifted off course a bit and miss that euphoric phase that is present when attraction first stirs the fires inside us. The easiest way to get it back is find someone new (because it seems exciting). But even new love can get stale and who wants to change partners every 18 months ???

Please don't go down any pathways with your internet friend until you've completely made up your mind that you and your partner (that you once loved enough to marry and have babies with) have done whatever you can to try and salvage your relationship. I'm saying this because you have invested ten years in this "business" and you have young children so surely it's worth a bit more effort?

If you both decided to spend some time with a quality relationship counsellor, you might be able to bring this marriage back from the brink. It will be very hard work and means you'll be looking at what you each can do to make the other as happy and contented as possible in life. The relationship work you do, won't include telling your partner what they do wrong, it will be about you both learning to nurture and respect each other and should include frequent intimate moments where you tell each other what you truly love, admire & appreciate about them. That takes real analysis. No point continuing to say I love you, if you can't identify exactly what qualities it is that you love.

I feel that relationships are most definately worth the effort of trying to save them, if you believe that you were in love when you first started out. If you don't believe you ever were in love, then cutting your losses and moving on may be quite a valid option. Relationships get sidetracked easily by the mundane. Jobs, money, children, routine, poor time planning & its very easy to see why people who once adored each other can end up drifting apart.

If you can rekindle your love, you will feel immensely rewarded, because your relationship will have much more depth to it. Getting over a hurdle that had the potential to split you up is an enriching experience. Even infidelity doesn't have to split a couple up if the couple don't want it to.

So how do you both get back on the same page? Well this is my recipe. You both need time with each other, good quality experiences that make you laugh and share together. You can start by studying. Read everything you can on relationships, effective communication, intimacy (this is a biggy) and share the best of your reading with your partner. It is amazing that people don't really study the art of relationships, yet we pick up books and do courses on just about anything else. Read, read, read.

There is lots of information available on the internet on every conceivable aspect of relationship development. Do your DD and pick and choose snippets to share and use them as a spring board to share how you both feel. Cut and paste articles you like and send them to her. Talk about what you used to enjoy doing together that you don't seem to do much any more (skydiving??, kayaking??, dancing??, sex??). Make dates to do those things. Ask her why she loves you, what she loves about you. Learn what it is that she gets from the online chat experience. Don't judge her harshly, just listen to what she has to say. If she finds the chat exciting or she says it makes her feel attractive or desirable then do whatever it takes to show your partner how much you appreciate her. Once she tells you, absorb it, tell her "thank you for sharing that with me", take it on board and plan how you might deliver your version of that experience.

That means, organise absolutely everything. The babysitting, the food, the wine, the complete environment (could be a picnic at midnight in a paddock) just do it!! Create an amazing experience. Then organize another one , Keep going till she gets giddy with you sweeping her off her feet. Let her know that you do find her desirable and that you know she is witty, charming, attractive and sexy. If you want any ideas for amazing experiences for her, pm me ;)

Okay, so around about now you might be thinking you are doing all the work. The thing is, if you can be grown up enough to start this process of reigniting the passion in your relationship, your partner will reciprocate because you will have shown her that you are her man.

I really do hope that you both can work this out, because really it's actually much more exciting to rediscover the headiness of being in love in a long term relationship, than to start out all over again.

All the best to you.
 
The forumnites have given good advice and mostly encouraging and from experience.

I do hope your family stays together. Right now, there is uncertainty, work to make the relationship work but no permanent damage yet.

The permanent damages to avoid for the time being are:
1) don't breach the commitment threshold ie either being sexually unfaithful. Flirting is just that, a preliminary weakness that can be a supposition of a big negative. It's a forewarning to protect the relationship, to protect what you have. Don't let someone take away your Precious.
2) involving any solicitors
3) not communicating with each other
4) sabortaging each other whether with mutual friends or family members
5) making financial reversals, fire-sales, etc

Instead do the positives, others have said:
1) start appreciating each other. You start first and persist at it. Wake up in the morning, look at her and appreciate how beautiful she is. Tell her. Buy her gifts. Surprise her.
2) be open and communicate with each other. If not possible involve a professional counsellor to mend the relationship.
3) do the things you both like to reduce dependency on intenet chats. Be with each other. Do family activities.
4) if you are both spiritual, encourage each other and remember how each has contributed at critical junctures in your endeavours for the family good. As someone said, some one has to be the hero now.

F
 
I agree with all of the above where the advice is to work out your feelings first and then talk to your wife.

I married my sweetheart 18 years ago and can say with no shame that my marriage is vastly good but has been bad at times. Be it infidelity, workaholics, substances abuse, cruelty, taking for granted. The reasons don’t matter.

The fact is we can all treat our partners carelessly at times, letting work and other so called important commitments get ahead of the simple job of being a soul mate. Admitting this and accepting the consequences that this can bring from your partner is important.

In the end talk and talk. Go on a holiday just yourselves. Get professional counseling. Salvation Army has low cost readily accessible, discreet service.

Marriage takes work like careers, IPs, health and wealth. If you IP was run down and not performing you would get expert advise to remedy it and take action and spend $$. You would not sell out for another IP before you had tried the other avenues first IMHO. Do the same for your marriage. No one wins in divorce.

You have taken the first step with this thread. You must want to make it work if it can.

With warmest regards, Peter 14.7
 
This is something I used to be presented with EVERYDAY, and as the internet expanded so too did cyber-relationships, clouding people's perceptions, widening the gap between them, contributing to communication breakdowns with each other and generally complicating what would normally be very resolvable issues!!!

I will not give you public advice on what is a personal (and delicate matter) but then even if I did I don't think you'd take it (you sound as though your mind(s) is(are) made up...both of you have consciously chosen to move in different directions!!!).:( The only ones I feel for in all of this, is the innocent bystanders, those looking in to what can only appear to be a painful game.

The only piece of advice I WILL give you, is that if you walk away from this marriage without resolving the issues at hand, you will (inevitably) REPEAT the same mistakes with this cyber-person and/or another future spark that catches your interest. Extinguish all hope of resolution first, before you read the smoke signals from afar as a better alternative to warming yourself!!!

BTW....feel free to PM me, but forgive me if I don't respond immediately, I am busier these days in my unpaid work than I ever was in my (extremely well paid) private practice!!! :rolleyes:

In the interim; I urge you (for the sake of the little ones) tread lightly into the unknown....:)
 
Am also in the camp that says to talk to your wife BEFORE looking for outside romance.

Marriages ( & any type of relationship) do take effort from both parties to work.

If it is inevitable that you (or even 1 of you) can't work it out, after giving it a serious attempt, then, in my opinion, there is not much point in trying to stay with the sinking ship.

For the sake of the kids, try to keep things amicable.

FWIW, I don't agree with both of you checking out chat-lines whilst you are in a marriage and thinking that it is just good fun.

Regards
Marty

* The above is not advice, just my opinion and I hope that you both make the right decision(s) for yourselves.
 
For what it's worth I've been a psychologist for nearly 30 years, and have seen your situation so many times. So here is my free advice:
reallyconfused said:
Hi,

I am in the top 300 posters here but I have registered a new name to hide my identity

I value people opinions on this forum, that is why i have gone to so much trouble to tell you about my situlation.

Married 10 years, with kids.

My wife and i have been growing apart for a year or so now, we have very little in common.
So what did you do about it when you first noticed it?

She is hard to live with, i am sure i not to easy either.
So what did both of you do to make life easier for each other?

3 months ago, i caught her chatting on yahoo or something, i saw a lot of messages she was writing to her male friends, they would make you toenails curl.

Anyway, i confronted her about it, she was shocked i found out. She said sorry and wouldn't do it anymore. So a week later i logged on to yahoo as a guy and started chatting to her, within a couple of days, i had her under my desk, if you know what i mean.
Telling lies is not good in a relationship...and you both have committed deception with each other. It's time to fess up and be absolutely and completely straight with each other.

I confronted her agai, i said you are still chatting aren't you, she said yes but just friends........................but the funny thing about all this is, she still tried to hide it all from me.
They are not "just friends" if they have to be hidden. Get a grip and stop deluding yourself that your wife just chats with new male friends...she is looking for something...something she's not getting in her relationship with you.
Find out what she wants...then you deliver.

Yes, i know the question begs, why was she chatting in the first place, was she not getting enough out of our marriage.???
Just ASK her what she wants...what would make her happy...I'm sure she would tell you. Listen carefully to what she says. Ask questions for clarification. Don't argue with her point of view...afterall that's not listening is it!

At this point she wanted to get skype, video chat with her family, i said ok. Look she said, i chat to guys, you go and chat to some girls, its just a bit of fun.
Tis more than "just a bit of fun"...don't kid yourself. She is meeting a need via "chatting"...what is this need? Ask her.

So i started to chat to on skype..........i have chatted to lots of girls, not dirty stuff, just friendly chat......................and you guessed it, I have found a girl that i am very much attracted to and she feels the same way.
You are not available and emotionally able to to enter into another relationship...yet. If you try it, you will be bringing your baggage along with you. Let's be clear about your legal and emotional status in life. You are legally married and not separated...that makes you unavailable for another relationship right now. Emotionally you seem a bit all over the place.
Do you stay and put up with what you have?
Do you stay and try to change things?
Do you leave?
There are only 3 choices in your situation. You need to make a decision and then go with it.

Should you decide to leave...give yourself some time to go through the grief process. I've seen so many people walk out of a marriage one day, and into someone else's arms the next. And they have heaps of baggage and stuff to work through. Most often...the new person is just a stepping stone to someone else. We are emotionally battered and bruised when we separate. So psychological counselling is a MUST if you want to recover quickly.

We have so much in common, so much it is scary.

I have young kids, i am not in love with my wife anymore, sometimes i don't even like her. I have fallen for this other person.

Have you ever considered that when you feel "broken hearted" or rejected, you are very vulnerable to someone nice who reaches out towards you? Tis a bit like when your dog dies...and you feel sad...and you get another puppy to love...helps to heal the pain, and avoid the grieving.

Help!!!

Reallyconfused
Click to expand...
 
I think that while there is a wealth of great advice on this forum, you and your wife both need to see a marriage counsellor together and start communicating openly and honestly.

An important thing to remember is that it's not just about you and her, there are children involved through no fault of their own and the way you and your wife act could have repercussions on the way they learn about relationships and affect their relationships in the future, especially if there is lying and cheating going on.
 
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