Negative people

likewow,
Thanks for bringing up those issues (although I don't understand what positivity and Porches have to do with each other?). I agree with you - to a point. In Kerri's original post, she(?) asked what people would do in that particualr situation. Now, what I posted is what I would do in that situation and I stand by that.
However, in my opinion a situation like that where someone you haven't seen in a while spews a barrage of negativity at you and a close friend coming to you for some help/advice are two different situations entirely. If a friend came to me looking for help/advice, the same principles would apply, but be handled differently.
In such a situation, I would give the person an opportunity to take responsibilty for where they are at and be willing to look for a solution to the issue. If they are willing to do that, then I will talk with them for as long as it takes to find a solution to the problem. If they choose not to be responsible for their situation nor look for a solution, then I will explain to them that I will not be willing to listen to them if they are not willing to help themselves.
It is my belief that while we may think we are helping someone by simply listening to them discuss their issues, it is of no help to either person to simply 'lend an ear' because ultimately nothing is resolved. I actually enjoy situations where people take responsibility and look for solutions because I see them as an opportunity for me to learn something new and to be able to view life from yet another perspective. Life is constantly presenting challenges to us - positve and negative. It is then up to us to either embrace those challenges or resist them. But remember - what you resist, persists!
 
Hi everyone

Thanks for all the replies.

I have just started reading "The 7 habits of highly effective people". I've only read the first bit, about the first habit, and it takes a bit of digesting, but I can see that reading this book may be a life changing exersise.

From everyone's responses (it's great to get such varied and wide ranging opinions), here's what I have decided:

When I see her again, I will greet her like the friend that I feel she is. We can sit and chat for a while. If the negativity is still there, and I can't see any evidence of her taking on board what I said before, I will walk away. But as I leave, I will tell her that if she wants someone to talk to about how she might solve her problems, rather than just complain about them, she is more than welcome to call me.

Those who said everyone has their problems are right. None of us are immuned to the ups and downs of life. I would not abandon a friend just because they were having a hard time. How I let my ups and downs, and those of others, affect me is up to me though. I realise that I gave this person the power to drain me ... that was my choice. If I can chose to give part of myself away like that, I can also chose not to. I see now that the chosing not to doesn't have to mean I don't care about someone. I also see that if someone is not willing to at least try and focus on the solution instead of the problem, I am pretty much banging my head on a brick wall by trying to help them.

I realise, too, that sometimes people just need someone to listen. Perhaps just listening to them pour out thier woes will allow them to put things in a better perspective. If letting someone simply talk will help them, who am I to deny them an ear? (Many have lent me theirs when I've needed it) I just have to learn not to take it all on board or let it bring me down too.

Thanks again everyone. Have a great day.
 
kissfan said:
What Y-Man said in regards to there's always someone worse off than yourself makes so much sense.
Years ago I had a daughter that was diagnosed, from a couple months of age, with a terminal genetic disorder. As you can imagine, my world came crashing down and I was shattered for some time. My daughter needed various operations, was always in and out of different hospitals and well... you get the picture. On one particular visit to the Neuro Ward at the old Childrens Hospital something opened my eyes that i wish everyone could experience just once in their lives ( unfortunately or maybe fortunately, I got to see it many times). I made a comment to the head nurse running the ward that I admired the way she handled her everyday work under such trying conditions and that I thought it was great to see a lot of these kids (some teenagers) could still manage to laugh. The nurse pointed to a couple of these kids and told me that they literally had days or maybe weeks to live and that they were aware of this fact. I was floored to say the least but it made me realise that the time with my daughter was so precious and that some problems just don't matter. I've tried to carry that into everyday dealings and I definately look at things a whole lot differently these days.
Whenever I feel myself getting bogged down with problems I try to reflect on what my daughter "taught" me.
My daughter is no longer with me, and there are times when problems do sneak up ( bills, family dramas, the odd crisis, etc) but I try to balance things out just knowing that everything will work out.

Regards
Marty
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Marty,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. :(

As a parent, the idea of losing a child is never in the forefront of one's mind; you always think you will be the one to go first.

I know that many of life's events have hardened me, but eventually you get over your hurts. The biggest problem for me, is the constant reminders every time I have to look into the half-beaten face of another domestic violence victim, then it all re-surfaces. :mad: And yes, I walk away angry, but in the back of my mind I try to remember that "everything will work out" (who knows maybe if I keep telling myself often enough, I might start to really believe it).

Jo
 
This thread has really got me thinking. Just a general comment.

I used to think if you were working on being wealthy, you were automatically a cold bastard. So for years, it held me back. Then I started bumping into people who ran their own businesses, were financially independent, or achieved very high office in large corporations. They were warm, genuine people and I couldn't figure out how they did it. It seemed a contradiction.

They all knew there were limits to how much you should help people, but help people the still did. I think Mark's approach is pretty spot on (once all the explanations were in place. :D :D). It seems to be a practical way of helping, or of being able to help without allowing yourself to be trampled on.

Kerri, thanks for asking the question. It's given me another piece of my puzzle. Hope your friend sorts herself out.

:) :) :)

Jireh
 
Part of the trick is to be able to listen to them without taking responsibility for their problems....Something I'm not very good at :)

Often people don't want their problems solved, they just want a sympathetic ear while they work through it themselves.

However there are definitely Energy Vampires out there as Michaelg suggests. These people aren't necessarily those who are upset or depressed - sometimes they are very up people - particularly after they have 'fed'.

I try to stay away from these people, but it's also possible to innoculate yourself from their energy drain with the right approach.

Cheers,

Aceyducey
 
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However there are definitely Energy ampires out there as Michaelg suggests. These people aren't necessarily those who are upset or depressed - sometimes they are very up people - particularly after they have 'fed'.

I try to stay away from these people, but it's also possible to innoculate yourself from their energy drain with the right approach.


I know a number of people like that. Once I started reading a lot of personal development books it really started to open my eyes to the kind of people I was spending my time with.... and the sort of person I was. I've conciously released myself from associating with most of these people, but it's kinda hard to say goodbye to some of the people - whom I have been friends with since I was 14. Anyway, enough of that.
My advice to people that find themsleves in similar situations is to make the choice to discontinue associating with these people. It might sound a little harsh but your life will improve noticeably in a small amount of time. No matter how much you tell yourself these people are not affecting you, you'll realise just how much they actually were once you move on and take on a more open outlook to life.
Kerri, good pick with The 7 Habits. I've read it a few times now and plan on doing so again very soon. Another book I can't recommend enough is 'Maximum Achievement' by Brian Tracy. I'm currently in the process of reading this for the fifth time and each time I read it, new info jumps out to enlighten me and help me improve my life. Also, if you can find them, grab some of his tapes as well. I find them great to have on while doing stuff on the computer.
He takes a bit more of a holistic approach than other Personal Development people, which appeals to me because he doesn't come across as 'If you don't change remarkably overnight and become a positivity dynamo, you're a failure'. A lot of my views on taking responsibility for your life come from reading his stuff, which is why I have recommended it. Anyways, good luck with your life travels, I wish you all the best.

Kindest regards, Mark.
 
I guess the difficulty I had with the approach Mark first outlined was that it offered no hope of a payoff/improvement for the negative person. To be told to stop whinging, THEN to be told to take responsibility prevents them hearing the second half of the message as they react to the first ("Seek first to understand, then to be understood.")

Sure, You've got to avoid the vampires and top up on positivity. Keep smiling, all.
 
Kerri,

Duck and Dodge. Help without, taking the p[roblem home. Duck and Dodge, let the problem go over you, while giving some feedback, but don't take it on. Duck and Dodge, reflect what they are saying back to them. Keep repeating what they are saying in a different way back to them.

e.g. so you feel upset about what is happening to you?

e.g. so your co-worker is giving you a hard time?

e.g. it must be hard for you to deal with this situation.

e.g. you must feel very sad about this.

e.g. I understand you.

e.g. so you Mother is very vindictive then?

What the person wants is to get it off their chest. If they feel they've been heard and understood, they feel better. You have'nt taken it home with you, and they will start to talk about something else after a while. You've been a good friend and everyone is happy.

Try it. It takes self control and practice but it works a treat. And then you don't feel like you don't want to bump into them again.

Stickysandwich
 
Positive energy vampires!! C'mon guys what next?

I can just see the awards night:

"And i'd like to introduce our entrepeuneur for 2005, Mr............ who has an impeccable record of growing businesses and recommends staying away from the positive energy vampires" hehe :D
 
c'mon

kissfan - i have a 14 month daughter. i cant imagine. thanks for the courage to write your story.

have compassion, lend an ear and do what you can to make other peoples lives better.

imagine going through life not helping others. and im not talking about giving good financial advise either.

occassionally i have close firends / relatives who are going through serious problems. divorse, depression, suicide etc. look around we have all experienced the same. these are lifes real issues!!!!!!!

i have an obligation as a human being to help. i see it as one of the great things in life - helping others. so rather than pull me down it makes me feel great (to try and help).

although must admit not all people are equiped to help. those who have posted along the lines of 'run for your lives' should not even try. To help people one need compassion and empathy . without this you will probably do damage..

stickysandwich - you are kidding arnet you!! your sincerity is underwhelming!!
 
likewow said:
Positive energy vampires!! C'mon guys what next?

I can just see the awards night:

"And i'd like to introduce our entrepeuneur for 2005, Mr............ who has an impeccable record of growing businesses and recommends staying away from the positive energy vampires" hehe :D
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So Likewow, you've never been to an Anthony Robbins seminar then...or heard any good motivational speaker.

Yup there are people out there who grant energy as well as those who suck it.

Your belief or lack of is really irrelevent. Judging from your comments in this forum I'd definitely place you in the sucker camp.

Cheers,

Aceyducey
 
I have my positive energy battery. Her name is Monopoly :D. Talking to her is like having you own personal cheer squad (it's really really cool :p ).
 
maybe not

this taker and granter of energy thing sounds like a trendy way of making yourself feelbetter when life hits you in the face....

rather than ignore it or try to control it, let it happen and know that it wont last forever. theres a time for everything including listening to people who need listening too.

i understand the theory in not letting people drag you down but in your haste to not be dragged down you could be doing humanity a disservice. what if someone really needs your help and you approach this situation with too much reticense. people can see through insincerity.

anyone can be friends with the rich and successfull but you will be judged on how you treat the poor and the meak.
 
Absolutely Aussierogue, a good quote i remember and try to subscribe to is:

"Treat important people like they arent and unimportant people like they are" (important that is)

As someone posted earlier you only have your positive energy sucked if you give people the permission to do it.

Which is similar to another great quote by Eleanor Roosevelt:

"Other people cannot make you feel inferior without your permission" or something along those lines.
 
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Here's an odd idea. Sometimes it's okay to be down. Not frequently and not for long periods but when something really dreadful happens you need some time before you get to the positive thinking stage. You need time to grieve. If you happen to run into an old friend at that time you may well be not very jolly.

Having said that I limit my time with energy drainers. I give them my support in quick bursts. If they get me down I am no help to them anyway so it is as much for them as for me.
 
Back a few posts when I read Marks rightly or wrongly "cold" post, I thought he probably is guilty of this himself on occasion, then bam he says that is the case.
Funny how this type of person tends to have no time for others like that, it is as though others problems don`t matter but mine do!, no offense meant just something I noticed and have seen before.
Someone posted this classic line:
However care must be taken as generating such quantities of positive energy in a small area may attract nearby psychic vampires in greater numbers.
That is funny sht.

But seriously I try to listen a lot more to people as a workmate committed suicide a couple of years back which "threw me for a six", great bloke too it was unbelievable he had mentioned to me how it really doesn`t seem worthwhile sometimes to go on and I just didn`t click with it at all, a week or so later he disappeared for a week or two and was found dead in his car in the outback, I just don`t know what to say about it I`m still stunned, if there is one thing you NEED to do it is to give people your time if they need it, never walk away, some have very real problems they can`t cope with.
It`s hard to do but the best thing you can ever do is never to criticise or say a bad word about anyone.
 
Just like people have being saying here, no one else can be responsible for what I feel, only I can. The opposite is true too. I can not be responsible for what someone else feels, only what I feel.

It is really sad when someone gets to the point where they feel their only option is to kill themselves. I had a 24 year old sister who did it, and I know all too well the heartache it causes. The thing is that nothing anyone said or did, short of sitting with her 24/7, would have stopped her. She had many, many suicide attempts over the years, and many, many people tried to help her. Her friends, family and all the professionals she came in contact with tried to help her. I was not at all surprised to get the phone call to say she had finally suceeded in killing herself. I was still shocked though, and grieved for her. I spent a lot of years wondering if there was more I could have done. I know now there wasn't any more anyone could have done for her.

I guess there are just people in the world who are incapable of looking past the problem, and unless they are at least willing to consider the possibility of a solution, there is nothing anyone can do for them. It is a horrible feeling to watch someone destroying themselves, and know there is nothing you can do to stop them. My sister was the sort of person who was fine if someone was giving her their undivided attention, but as soon as she was left to her own devices, the suicide attempts would start again. No one can maintain the level of "help" that she needed ... god knows, we all tried. I suppose the hard part is finding the balance. Where does one draw the line? When does help stop being help, and become some sort of unhealthy crutch or enablement? When does sympathy stop being a thing of support, and start being a tool someone can use to allow them to continue wallow in their own misery?

Maybe having lost my sister (and a brother 7 years before that in a hit and run), is what makes me shy away a bit from people who want to moan and groan about problems that sound trivial to me. It's all relative though, I guess. Whatever someone is going through, at the time they're going through it, is a big problem at the time. I don't know, but I think I'm starting to ramble here. Gonna head off to bed.

Kez
 
Types of negatives

I have frequently come across two types of common negatives.

Type 1. For example, a father having to look after his working adult son and grandchildren. The father is retired, but somehow cannot shake away the demands of his only son. I find whinging on the injustice of such situations exasperating. It is totally within the wherewithal of the father to be firm and shake of the demands. :(

Type 2. For example, son wants to have something but not getting it. A tantrum of sorts progress and works all over son. As someone mentioned in this thread it is a matter of self-control whether one wants to be happy or not. It is easier to point out to son of the better alternative to negative mood.

I can always sympathise with people who are battling a negative situation, such as a bludging tenant or a scamming partner. :eek:
 
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