I don't know what to think.
- Thread starter skater
- Start date
Skater Do you expect this GEN Y person with an entitlement complex to be fair and reasonable to a kind, compassionate Baby Boomer such as yourself.
I certainly would. It is not good enough, no matter what state she was in.
A bit of consideration would cost her nothing.
You are right if you are a bit peeved.
Skater,
I agree you should be peeved.
I most likely would have done the same thing.
Actually we have, and my mother did the same when I was growing up.
Maybe she is hoping her Aunt will offer her a place to stay, and she is trying to keep her options open.
Even at 22, most are not as mature as we were at that age.
(if you are 22 and under and here on Somersoft, you obviously are mature)
I agree you should be peeved.
I most likely would have done the same thing.
Actually we have, and my mother did the same when I was growing up.
Maybe she is hoping her Aunt will offer her a place to stay, and she is trying to keep her options open.
Even at 22, most are not as mature as we were at that age.
(if you are 22 and under and here on Somersoft, you obviously are mature)
Because I didn't have anywhere for her to sleep (I didn't want her on my lounge) AND it didn't cost me anything.
i totally agree ... a friend and i were chatting about this over lunch the other day. we reckoned that older teens/adults were about 5 years behind in maturity compared to where we were at the same age.
i look at hubby's 3 eldest kids - all at uni doing phd's, masters etc ... but i wouldn't call them "mature" in the sense of accountability and self responsibility. they would think they are based purely on age and legal rights - but nah!
they still all live at home, have part time jobs, one has a car but really no "adult" responsibilities.
bear this is mind - treat her like yourself at 17, and i remember i was rather ditzy and flighty at that age!
It is certainly true that some of the youngsters are immensely immature. I have seen the differences in own offspring. The youngest who was constantly frustrated with the silly things that her "friends" constantly did, who moved interstate to pursue both her sport and a new career, and is now running with a much older crowd. And the oldest, who still acts like she is 14, but expects to be treated like an equal.
Bearing this in mind, it still does not excuse bad manners.
Bearing this in mind, it still does not excuse bad manners.
i would gently ask her how she is going and what happened in a non threatening way .
Its the only way to really know.
I have seen too often when people are genuinely in high stress and not coping well, not able to communicate well and aswell accused of being manipulative, when in fact the real story is very different, one of huge pain and stress. I've seen this often enough.
breaking up with a boyfriend, living in a car, having to live elsewhere IS a real stressful crisis full of high emotions and high stress.
perhaps she couldnt get in touch with her aunt and wasnt sure what she would do and isnt so good at communicating especially in crisis. it can be so simple rather than people immediately assuming its manipulation. I think manipulation is a really overused word. there are those who are very cunning permeditated and manipulative but most are totally not.
Each to his own opinion, but i've seen too often how hard physical work is fine, but emotional stress knocks people out and makes them not as able to verbalise things when they dont know themselves what will be . You dont know how hard all this hit her emotionally. the probability is such things were hitting her very hard.
she could have been embarrased to tell you herself or too stressed once her aunty did get back to her. she may not have been sure what her aunty could offer. She may have been embarrassed to say she cant pay the first 2 weeks. I dont know. there is only one way of knowing and even when we ask we often dont always get a person who is able to verbalise the whole picture properly and do themselves justice, they could leave out facts that would help them, which actually doesnt mean there arent good reasons especially in crisis.
With our own kids it happens all the times in families that we go out of our way for someone and in the end our efforts arent needed or people dont communicate well.
We try to communicate what we expect especially with our own family that we have to deal with more often. with others who we dont need to deal with often its not always worth to discuss our upsets and expectations. But this isnt an unusual occurance that plans chop and change, that people dont know themselves how it will pan out so they leave options open only to disappoint. it is part of a crisis. Why dont you ask her.
I really wish people wouldnt imediately assume 'manipulative ' instead of 'highly stressed'.
I have seen that people have a long way to go to understand those in crisis. I have heard alot of people including a show about a true story of someone experiencing huge trauma on tv last night , people who are in crisis say that people show anger instead of compassion, space and gentleness. It leaves me in wonderment why this is.
Its the only way to really know.
I have seen too often when people are genuinely in high stress and not coping well, not able to communicate well and aswell accused of being manipulative, when in fact the real story is very different, one of huge pain and stress. I've seen this often enough.
breaking up with a boyfriend, living in a car, having to live elsewhere IS a real stressful crisis full of high emotions and high stress.
perhaps she couldnt get in touch with her aunt and wasnt sure what she would do and isnt so good at communicating especially in crisis. it can be so simple rather than people immediately assuming its manipulation. I think manipulation is a really overused word. there are those who are very cunning permeditated and manipulative but most are totally not.
Each to his own opinion, but i've seen too often how hard physical work is fine, but emotional stress knocks people out and makes them not as able to verbalise things when they dont know themselves what will be . You dont know how hard all this hit her emotionally. the probability is such things were hitting her very hard.
she could have been embarrased to tell you herself or too stressed once her aunty did get back to her. she may not have been sure what her aunty could offer. She may have been embarrassed to say she cant pay the first 2 weeks. I dont know. there is only one way of knowing and even when we ask we often dont always get a person who is able to verbalise the whole picture properly and do themselves justice, they could leave out facts that would help them, which actually doesnt mean there arent good reasons especially in crisis.
With our own kids it happens all the times in families that we go out of our way for someone and in the end our efforts arent needed or people dont communicate well.
We try to communicate what we expect especially with our own family that we have to deal with more often. with others who we dont need to deal with often its not always worth to discuss our upsets and expectations. But this isnt an unusual occurance that plans chop and change, that people dont know themselves how it will pan out so they leave options open only to disappoint. it is part of a crisis. Why dont you ask her.
I really wish people wouldnt imediately assume 'manipulative ' instead of 'highly stressed'.
I have seen that people have a long way to go to understand those in crisis. I have heard alot of people including a show about a true story of someone experiencing huge trauma on tv last night , people who are in crisis say that people show anger instead of compassion, space and gentleness. It leaves me in wonderment why this is.
then why do you complain? you did it for yourself, not for her
there you go, it didn't COST you anything
however a 22 yr old is going thorogh hard times, during which, some people do get confused act differently etc
I've seen some people for example say things and then later apologise for it.
Wouldnt you be happy if she finds a solution, even if it is end up being without your help ?
I most certainly DID NOT DO IT FOR MYSELF.
If she was going to be with us for a few weeks, then a lounge is not ideal for either her, or our family. This is why I got the damn bed. I told her that she could take it when she left, too, so that she had something to start out in her new home. How you see this as a benefit to me, I have no idea. She was well aware of this fact.
As for it not costing me anything, well, no it did not cost any physical, hard earnt dollars, but there was a damn lot of running around for her and the fact that she rudely changed what was happening without notifying me. They DO have phones at the restaurant where the pair of them work. Either she rang the aunt, or the aunt rang her during that period, so one more call is just the polite thing to do.
yes - but i think in the times of instant communication the youngster (and quite a few elders i know) often forget politeness.
i consider it polite when, if i send someone information via email or txt that they require, or am offering to help with something, that they acknowledge with an "ok" or "received" or "thanks but no thanks" or some such similar thing.
rarely happens, so one just has to assume that it was received or not required etc.
unfortunately i notice manners are moreso rarely instilled in my 6yr olds friends. as an example, i make junior thank the parents at the end of a playover - i would very rarely get a thanks from her friends when they come here ... and the parents don't prompt them (like i do for mine). junior finds it hard to understand why she has to be polite when others aren't - but it is something i will continue to instill.
i consider it polite when, if i send someone information via email or txt that they require, or am offering to help with something, that they acknowledge with an "ok" or "received" or "thanks but no thanks" or some such similar thing.
rarely happens, so one just has to assume that it was received or not required etc.
unfortunately i notice manners are moreso rarely instilled in my 6yr olds friends. as an example, i make junior thank the parents at the end of a playover - i would very rarely get a thanks from her friends when they come here ... and the parents don't prompt them (like i do for mine). junior finds it hard to understand why she has to be polite when others aren't - but it is something i will continue to instill.
yes it is polite, and i find these days many families really stress manners alot. but in crisis sometimes theres more to it, as Wylie and i have tried to explain, people dont function the same, they may be hardly functioning, not know what to say, embarrassed, full of emotion, trying to do 10 things at once. Sometiems we run around to help someone and it works out and sometimes we run around and it doesnt. Its so frustrating when it doesnt and i'm really sorry you went through that. Its part of helping others in crisis, its rarely straight forward and easy. If it happened a few times from the same person then you would need to protect yourself, but once on a day when she was obviously uncertain of what her choices were, seems to be just be part of crisis and survival in crisis, not functioning at full force. Maybe when something else worked out she felt embarrassment that you had run around for her. who knows whats going on between her, her choices, her finances, her distress but usually its alot . Those who try to help others do end up put out often more than they anticipated, it happens with our own kids or anyone else we might decide tohelp. Should we not try to help others? Personally i think we should if we can and good on you for what you did thats really special.
I most certainly DID NOT DO IT FOR MYSELF.
If she was going to be with us for a few weeks, then a lounge is not ideal for either her, or our family. This is why I got the damn bed. I told her that she could take it when she left, too, so that she had something to start out in her new home. How you see this as a benefit to me, I have no idea. She was well aware of this fact.
As for it not costing me anything, well, no it did not cost any physical, hard earnt dollars, but there was a damn lot of running around for her and the fact that she rudely changed what was happening without notifying me. They DO have phones at the restaurant where the pair of them work. Either she rang the aunt, or the aunt rang her during that period, so one more call is just the polite thing to do.
The benefit to you is that you didn't have to have her on your lounge, as you just said in your previous post.
Maybe she counted on your daughter passing on the message?
Don't get so fired up about little things, it's bad for your health. You start reminding me of Alan from Two and a half men
Well....time for an update. I get a text message telling me that she will be staying somewhere else tonight, but she'll make her way home to my place tomorrow morning.
Since I had no idea what to say to that, Hubby sent her back a message telling her that the offer was for her to move in for a few weeks because we were under the impression that she needed emergency help and had nowhere else to go. The offer was not to just come and stay when it suits her.
So, now to post an add on Freecycle for someone to get a free bed.
Since I had no idea what to say to that, Hubby sent her back a message telling her that the offer was for her to move in for a few weeks because we were under the impression that she needed emergency help and had nowhere else to go. The offer was not to just come and stay when it suits her.
So, now to post an add on Freecycle for someone to get a free bed.
I would suggest if you think you can cope with it, that you keep the bed for a couple of months and let her sort herself out. things change alot in the first months after a crisis. allow her that time. thats what happens in crisis. if you tried to be nice then be nice, give her time, dont be a bit nice, then nasty and angry and controlling and dictating. People in crisis need more space than that to see what they will do . If you feel you can give her this its whats needed. Just ask her to do her best to keep you informed by text even if she is unsure at this stage of her next steps. Poele can think things will work out one way and it doesnt so give her time if you can.
oh alan from 2 1/2 men. I have a friend like that. I loved the scene where his ex wife is trying to playfully lure him into the spa and he goes all anal saying
but i dont have bathers, but how often do you keep up the pool treatments as bad fungi could really grow down there.
I have a friend like that. hardly a playful streak but lots of anal streaks. he once told me off at great length, for touching his melways and his rear view mirror.
But he is a smart , helpful, loyal , trustworth friend nevertheless. i keep away from him when he is too crazy.
I think she is justified in being really frustrated. these situations are so frustrating and you wonder if its worth it going to such effort for people who dont seem to appreciate it. As a mother of a bunch of kids i experience this all the time. it is part of life when we give for children, or young adults or even others.But it is very frustrating .We are all busy and tired and to go out of our way and it is all for nothing is very frustrating.
oh alan from 2 1/2 men. I have a friend like that. I loved the scene where his ex wife is trying to playfully lure him into the spa and he goes all anal saying
but i dont have bathers, but how often do you keep up the pool treatments as bad fungi could really grow down there.
I have a friend like that. hardly a playful streak but lots of anal streaks. he once told me off at great length, for touching his melways and his rear view mirror.
But he is a smart , helpful, loyal , trustworth friend nevertheless. i keep away from him when he is too crazy.
I think she is justified in being really frustrated. these situations are so frustrating and you wonder if its worth it going to such effort for people who dont seem to appreciate it. As a mother of a bunch of kids i experience this all the time. it is part of life when we give for children, or young adults or even others.But it is very frustrating .We are all busy and tired and to go out of our way and it is all for nothing is very frustrating.
Soubnds fair enough what you did in the end. I think taking the situation and the girl not forgetting her manners, possibly during a time that's a littel hard for her, as a personal insult was too much.. Frustrating sure, but when deling with people, things dont always go smoothly
when dealing with people in crisis things definitely dont go smoothly. thats part of being a supportive loving caring person.
dont do more than you feel you can , but if you can find it in your heart and life to be more flexible while she is in crisis, it will be a very special act of suppport during this challenging time.
dont do more than you feel you can , but if you can find it in your heart and life to be more flexible while she is in crisis, it will be a very special act of suppport during this challenging time.
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