I don't know what to think.

[skater]

Friday night, my daughter came home from work with a friend who was staying the night. She was very well spoken, polite and very friendly and we learnt that she had moved to Sydney to be with her boyfriend. During a conversation with my daughter I learned that she (the friend) had recently broken up with her boyfriend, who she was living with. She had nowhere to go and had spent the last four nights sleeping in the back seat of her car, which is still parked in front of the unit she shared with her boyfriend.

This young woman has been working and did not want to go back home to her parents (she's 22), but has no close friends or family nearby and no money to pay for a bond either. There is an aunt that does not live close enough for her to get herself to and from work since she lost her license and is reliant on public transport.

Now, I'm a bit of a soft touch, which is why I would NEVER self manage my IP's, and after getting to know her a little better yesterday, told her that she could stay at our house for a few weeks until she gets herself back on her feet. (I would like to think that somebody else would do the same for my kids if they ever got themselves into hot water) I told her about Freecycle (a service where people give their unwanted goods away) and when I logged on noticed a bed closeby that was available. I asked her if she wanted it and said that if she did, I'd collect it for her together with a coffee table from the same person.

So, at around 4.30pm, we load both the girls into the car, attach the trailer, drop the girls at work, drive out to pick up the bed. While there, the lovely woman who is giving away the bed tells us that she has a whole lot of other stuff that is available too, and did we want it for our new house guest. Well, we collect that as well, come home, set up the bed, because we didn't have a spare for her to use, and clean up the spare room. We finished this at around 8.30pm and collapse on the lounge to watch a DVD and feeling a little happy to be doing something for someone in need.

A short time later we get a call from our daughter telling us it is time to pick her up and Hubby asks if the friend has finished too. We discover that the friend is not coming back to our house tonight as she is going to her Aunt's home. I am a little annoyed that the friend did not tell us this herself, especially as we went to so much effort.

I get a text message from the friend today at around 2.30pm telling me that she will be staying with her Aunt until Tuesday and thanking me for my hospitality, but I still don't know what is happening. The message said that she would keep in contact but she still has not told me what her intentions are. Is she coming here on Tuesday? If so, it would have been polite to tell me the night before. Am I being taken advantage of? Should I tell her the deal is off? Am I justified in feeling a little used as I was under the impression she had nowhere to go? She also knew that we were going out of our way to get her the bed and coffee table.

I am usually pretty good at judging a person's character, but I don't know what to think in this situation. If she has got somewhere else to go, then she should go there.

It also seems like I now have a bed (I guess that will come in handy), a coffee table (that I don't want) and several boxes of kitchen "stuff" that I don't need either, but would be a good help to someone starting out. The "stuff" is also useless to our other daughter as she has a huge amount of goods waiting for the day she moves.

 

[kissfan]

Hi skater.

That's nice of you to look after and run around for this girl. Perhaps get your daughter to ask the friend her intentions as the friend may be a bit more open with someone her own age, Also, get your daughter to mention that mum & dad have been running around on your behalf to pick up this that and the other, so please don't muck them around. Just think the friend will respond quicker if your daughter 'keeps at her'.

Regards
Marty

 

[Monopoly]

Am I justified in feeling a little used as I was under the impression she had nowhere to go?

You most certainly are!!

If she has got somewhere else to go, then she should go there.

Big tick (if there was a symbol for it I'd put it in this spot for you skater!)

The "stuff" is also useless to our other daughter as she has a huge amount of goods waiting for the day she moves.

Ebay, salvos, or drop it off at her aunt's. leaving it on the doorstep with a note attached reading "the tip is shut until further notice"!!!

That should stop her from dumping on you/your good hospitality again!! Rude little cow!!!

 

[Francine]

i would say 3 things here

firstly good on you for doing your best
i'd say be open give her space to work things out over the next weeks. dont put more pressure on her she's already in crisis enough.

secondly i have cared for teens that for whatever reason had run away from home. My kids and me opened our hearts and home to them, even if one had to sleep on the couch and use lounge room as their bedroom. one i cared for for a year however it did have some bad influence on my kids and aswell towards the end i had to make other arrangements as resentment was building due to things like lack of computers to go around at the time, and a worry that one of my sons had a crush on her. Another i had to ask after some months to make other arrangements as i feared it would distract my son in vce.

Thirdly
Something i think is important to bear in mind that i think few people understand, is that such situations are a crisis, and in a crisis we dont know from moment to moment what to do or what will happen or what to try. Crisis means somewhat overloaded, overwhelmed, unpredictable. In crisis we need others to offer help but give room to make our own decisions over time without feeling more anger, judgment, criticism, pressure, blackmail, guilt trips

so kindness has to take this above fact into account.

I have seen a family get angry at someone they were being hospitable to , for not letting them know ahead of time they wouldnt be there the night, when that person was in crisis and didnt know one minute to next what would be and what decisions she would have to make.

People can never be in anothers shoes and those who havent been in deep trauma or crisis forget what its like or can show such a lack of understanding, when they need gentleness and listening to what they need at any moment and not more anger pressures guilt trips etc.

So i would advise or ask you to judge her for the best and try to understand she is in crisis and give her space to work thigns out, despite how much effort you put and that she didnt know or tell you ahead of time and maybe couldtn cope with telling you herself while under such distress and crisis.

maybe she didnt have credit to call, maybe she is so distressed and embarrassed. who knows what she is dealing with. I find others oversimplify what a crisis is like and the person in them finds it 1000 times more complicated than those watching realise it is. I would ask you to be gentle understanding and supportive and see how it works out. I do not beleive any intention to use or abuse you was here. Its just part of the process of supportiing someone in crisis.

FRancine.

 

[BV]

I am usually pretty good at judging a person's character, but I don't know what to think in this situation. If she has got somewhere else to go, then she should go there.

I gave up trying to understand youth of that age group and girls in general.
It could be that she wants to have the boyfriend with her and didn't know how to tell you.

cheers

 

[Monopoly]

firstly good on you for doing your best
i'd say be open give her space to work things out over the next weeks. dont put more pressure on her she's already in crisis enough..

She's not in crisis; I've seen and do see "crisis" everyday, and trust me....she is not a victim of anything but bad manners and self-centeredness. Real crisis, runaway teens don't door knock (either directly or indirectly) so don't kid yourself. She knew full well what she was doing and who she was playing; she did her homework. She is thoughtless, rude, manipulative and needs a good swift kick in the rear!!!

secondly i have cared for teens that for whatever reason had run away from home. My kids and me opened our hearts and home to them, even if one had to sleep on the couch and use lounge room as their bedroom. one i cared for for a year however it did have some bad influence on my kids and aswell towards the end i had to make other arrangements as resentment was building due to things like lack of computers to go around at the time, and a worry that one of my sons had a crush on her. Another i had to ask after some months to make other arrangements as i feared it would distract my son in vce.

Good on you (the world needs more people like you willing to help) but (take my word for it) you wouldn't want to take in any of the kind I deal with; they'll turn raid your cupboards, steal your money and trash your house on their way out!!

 

[wylie]

I am with Francine on this one. I have just gone through four months of crisis myself, and whilst I was dealing with my mother's illness (and subsequent death) I had to try to keep the family going (one son doing final exams - Christmas approaching, not thinking Mum would make it until then - daily or twice daily trips to hospital to feed and sit with her).

What I would say is that whilst this was going on, part of me was on auto pilot, doing the washing and keeping the house ticking over, one part of my brain tried to be polite, do the right thing etc, but most of my brain was stressed, shocked, disbelieving and just couldn't cope with sometimes the simplest things.

People would ask me a simple "yes" or "no" question and I was in such a turmoil that I could not give a yes or no. I lost the plot and am quite sure that some of the social niceties got lost in the process. Luckily, most people made allowances for my vagueness and I don't think I stood on too many toes, but for at least a little while until she sorts herself out, I would give her some space.

If it turns out that she is simply being rude, then you can move on from there, but as Francine says, she may not be capable of doing anything more than she is doing, and you don't know the situation with the Aunt either, so she could be finding great comfort in her aunt, but still appreciate what you have done, but not be capable of properly thanking you, or even have the ability with what she is going through to realise she is being rude.

Your daughter would perhaps be able to find out how the land lies, and tell you what sort of mental state she is in right now.

 

[Monopoly]

Your daughter would perhaps be able to find out how the land lies, and tell you what sort of mental state she is in right now.

Oh and do keep us posted skater, I'd really like to hear how she gets on. Hopefully I'll be proven wrong, on this occasion I'm praying for it.

 

[our obsession]

Aw, sorry to hear that Wylie, (your mum passing away). Sad. Your mum was a keen investor and hard worker too, hey. I remember youposting about her doing reno's...So sad. RIP Wylie's mum.

 

[Francine]

Thanks Wylie, i wish you all the best with whatever is going on now fo ryou and your family.

Francine

 

[skater]

Hi skater.

That's nice of you to look after and run around for this girl. Perhaps get your daughter to ask the friend her intentions as the friend may be a bit more open with someone her own age, Also, get your daughter to mention that mum & dad have been running around on your behalf to pick up this that and the other, so please don't muck them around. Just think the friend will respond quicker if your daughter 'keeps at her'.

Regards
Marty

Hi Marty, this does seem to be a good option, but I think my daughter really only sees this girl on the days they are rostered on together. This being the case, I don't think she will see her until Tuesday.

 

[Empty Pockets]

Nothing surprising about your experience with generation Y-bother.

I'm surprised your daughter didn't have the courtesy of telling you her friend wasn't coming back before the end of the shift.

 

[skater]

I have seen a family get angry at someone they were being hospitable to , for not letting them know ahead of time they wouldnt be there the night, when that person was in crisis and didnt know one minute to next what would be and what decisions she would have to make..

Well, when you drop somebody off in the afternoon with the understanding that you will be picking them up again in a few hours and they are not there, I would consider this to be bad manners in the extreme. Especially when the said person was given your contact details on the way to their work and they expressly told you that they certainly WOULD keep you informed of any changes.

maybe she didnt have credit to call,.

She was at work. They have telephones there. She also texted me today.

This is not a teen in crisis. She is an adult. Admittedly a young one, but at 22 you don't get to play the helpless teenager card. She is the one who also said that she was an adult and refused to go home to Mum & Dad as it was time to stand on her own two feet and get her act together. She was rational and talked about needing time to save for a Bond to rent her own place.

 

[weg]

This girl may be in a relationship and housing crisis but that's about it.

She also doesn't need a huge bond if she goes into a share house. If she's single, has a job, and presents well she shouldn't have too much of a problem finding accommodation.

Personally I would have only offered her a week or two and would expect the girl to help out and be grateful. Only after she proved herself would I extend that period. I would then ask for board too.

Btw, if she's not back by Tues, it could very well be because she's back with the boyfriend. If so, get rid of the bed so she doesn't mess you around. She has family to help out after all.

 

[skater]

She's not in crisis; I've seen and do see "crisis" everyday, and trust me....she is not a victim of anything but bad manners and self-centeredness. Real crisis, runaway teens don't door knock (either directly or indirectly) so don't kid yourself. She knew full well what she was doing and who she was playing; she did her homework. She is thoughtless, rude, manipulative and needs a good swift kick in the rear!!!



Good on you (the world needs more people like you willing to help) but (take my word for it) you wouldn't want to take in any of the kind I deal with; they'll turn raid your cupboards, steal your money and trash your house on their way out!!

Yes, I feel you are right. I've also had a fair amount of dealing with teenagers. I believe she did know full well what she was doing. I did not get a feeling that she was a danger to myself/our family, and I am usually a good judge of character. The only reason I opened my doors to her was because she did seem rational and genuinely in a bad situation. Heck, it can happen to the best of us, can't it?

 

[skater]

This girl may be in a relationship and housing crisis but that's about it.

She also doesn't need a huge bond if she goes into a share house. If she's single, has a job, and presents well she shouldn't have too much of a problem finding accommodation.

Personally I would have only offered her a week or two and would expect the girl to help out and be grateful. Only after she's proved herself would I extend that period. I would then ask for board too.

She did say that she had been looking for accommodation, but everything was either too expensive, or gone as soon as listed. It's true, there's not a lot of vacancies at the moment. I did only offer a couple of weeks to see how it went and I told her that she would have to pay the same board as my daughter. I would have been in all sorts of trouble if I didn't charge board, my daughter would never forgive me.

 

[skater]

Wylie, so sorry to hear about your Mum. It must have been a terrible time for you.

 

[Monopoly]

Soooooo sorry....

I have just gone through four months of crisis myself, and whilst I was dealing with my mother's illness (and subsequent death)

I am SO VERY VERY SORRY wylie, I completely glanced over this bit. I know only too well the loss of a loved one. Although I lost both, and was zombified throughout the ordeal and thereafter for some time, it was my mother's passing that hit me the worst. My deepest sympathies to you.

 

[Strannik]

i think you just jumped the gun
why would you get a furniture for her before she even has a home?

 

[Invest]

Young women are very hard to understand normally... now imagine all those poor young men that date or marry them?