PI Jokes
- Thread starter sailor
- Start date
Nah, haven't seen a single one.Greetings o Wise One,
Are you seeing many of these.........professionally, that is??
And how is the real Sailor these days??
Cheers Chrisv
The real Sailor is now nearly 16 years old, deaf, blind, and incontinent. What a boon those tiled floors are...I would never have coped with anything else! He's still a pet, and hasn't lost his sparkle arkle! He loves his walks along the beach and is an avid eater! His sense of smell is amazing...can smell me getting out of my car when I get home. I'd hate someone to put me down in my dotage because I couldn't hear, see, or pee in the right place.
Geez so would I ...........in fact, I would be spending a lot of time looking over my shoulder already.
I suppose you will let the poor little bugger onto the front deck now the electric fence is up.
Q: Why have estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon
- I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on.
- He sold me one outside KFC yesterday.
The credit crunch has really helped me get back on my feet.. The car's been repossessed.
A concerned customer asked his stock broker if the recent market decline and volitility worried him.
The broker told him that he has been sleeping like a baby.
“Really?!?” replied the customer.
“Absolutely,” said the broker, “I sleep for about an hour, wake up, and then cry for about an hour.”
Definition of a nervous wreck: a man who has a house payment, a truck payment, a wife and a girlfriend.... and they're all a month late!
Love it!!!
At a property investment seminar in Perth an old italian investor gets chatting to the good looking blonde sitting next to him, she mentions during the course of the discusion that she has a number of properties, both residential and commercial spread throughout australi; this piques his interest so he asks her what she does for a living.
She leans over and whispers in his ear "I'm a hooker", "wow" he says, is there good money in that?
She leans over again strokes his thigh and huskily whispers into his ear "I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $500, as long as you can say it in three words.” The old guy replies, “Hey, why not? it sounds like a good deal” He pull his wallet out of his back pocket and one at a time pulls out five, hundred-dollar bills which he discreetly slips across to her, he then leans over and whispers into her ear slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
She leans over and whispers in his ear "I'm a hooker", "wow" he says, is there good money in that?
She leans over again strokes his thigh and huskily whispers into his ear "I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $500, as long as you can say it in three words.” The old guy replies, “Hey, why not? it sounds like a good deal” He pull his wallet out of his back pocket and one at a time pulls out five, hundred-dollar bills which he discreetly slips across to her, he then leans over and whispers into her ear slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How the heck did you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your billable hours on your time sheets.”
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin R,
Bricklayer.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin R,
Bricklayer.
