Question about my 11yo daughter

Gordon Gekko

Gordon Gekko

Hi All,

We had a 13yo boy stay at our place a couple of nights ago, he is our sons friend. This boy is very well known to us and we are good friends with his parents.

My daughter and the younger kids went to bed about 10pm, my son and the boy stayed up late playing PS2 (as they do :) )

During the middle of the night, our youngest son and this daught came to to us at seperate times to say they couldn't sleep, very strange for my daughter to do this.

Anyway, two days later (yesterday) she came to me and said, "this boy" was standing in my room at 2.40am, he wake me up and told me that he loved me , i told him to bugger off"

Now of the surface, this seems "cute" but her went into her bedroom.....my protective father instints kicks in.

What do we do?

1. brush it off as a cute thing
2. Take to his parents and leave it at that
3. same as 2. but not let him sleep over again
4. never let another boy have a sleep over at our place again

or

My daughter good be streatching the facts a bit, its been known to happen before.

But I have to believe her or she will never talk to me about this type of thing again (if it happened again)

Advice please :rolleyes:

GG
 
I preface this by saying that I am not parent.

I would be positively reinforcing to your daughter, that it was the right thing to do to come and speak to you when she did. Using that to make the point that if anything in the future where she was confused or uncomfortable she should come to you.

Overall, unless she was particularly disturbed about the experience, I would play it down, and yes, not have the boy over again.

As for the boy, there are so many variables, sleep walking, hormones etc....Maybe mention it to the boy's parents. Casually and in a non-issue sort of way (?)
 
buzzlightyear said:
I preface this by saying that I am not parent.

I would be positively reinforcing to your daughter, that it was the right thing to do to come and speak to you when she did. Using that to make the point that if anything in the future where she was confused or uncomfortable she should come to you.

Overall, unless she was particularly disturbed about the experience, I would play it down, and yes, not have the boy over again.

As for the boy, there are so many variables, sleep walking, hormones etc....Maybe mention it to the boy's parents. Casually and in a non-issue sort of way (?)
Click to expand...

Hi Buzz,

Thanks for your reply.

She wouldn't sleep in her room last night, she wanted to sleep with somebody else. (i.e our room)

Yes, I told her it was nice that she came to me with this issue.

The boy has 2 older brothers, as in 18, 19 with girlfriends.

GG
 
GG, I understand your concern. I have a 10 yo daughter.

Look mate, no harm done, your daughter didn't seem traumatised. Just let it go i'd say as kids stuff.

I'd probably have a casual chat to the kid and his parent and leave it at that.
 
In this day and age, 11 is reaaaaaaaaaally stretching the boundary of having opposite gender sleepovers. I wouldn't have boys over. Especially boys with such older role models.

My 10yo quite often comes to me with complaints that her little sister is having sex with her. 3yo sits on top of her (and us, and the baby) and bounces up and down. She's been told all about how sex works by a boy in her class ... obviously very accurate stuff :rolleyes:
 
Did she say 2:40am or the middle of the night? How did she know the exact time?

What would you like to see done if your 13yo did the same thing at someone elses house?

I would sit the 13yo boy down for a light chat, ask him his version. If his story correlates with hers, then I would firmly state the rules and boundaries in my home. And the consequences of breaking them. If his story doesn't correlate with hers, then I would firmly state the rules and boundaries in my home. And the consequences of breaking them! You may not get matching truths, they both have their own version.

If he ever oversteps the mark again after our chat, then I would not have him over for a period of time, the length of which would be determined by the seriousness of the breach. If he EVER went into her room again at night, after being told not to, I would stop him coming for sleepovers for a year.

I would take her seriously, even if she does stretch the truth. It is a really good thing that she came and told you. Definitely do no write this incident off as a cute thing, it needs to be addressed with the boy and clear ground rules laid down.

As for his parents, I would mention the incident and that you had a chat with him about it. It is your house, I think you should deal with it.
 
Hi,

I would be telling my daughter she was right to tell me and she was right to tell him to go away.

I would not have any boys stay over for a while, you could also put a privacy set door latch on her bedroom.

Maybe you could have the young guy around during the daylight hours and ask him for his version. If he says yes he went there, then tell him that you are really unhappy that it happened like that. He could get into heaps of trouble for doing things like that and it means he can't stay over anymore.

HTH
 
okay - if i get this right the boy was staying over as a friend of your older son.

i understand your concern (being a parent of daughters), but to stop your son having any friends sleepover would be unfair to him ... however ... as pointed out, this boy has older brothers who are engaged in dating and sex and you do not know what has been said or this boy has seen.

13 is not to young to "have a go" as shown by young mothers, and would really concern me if he was eyeing off a 11yr old.

i'd talk to the parents and in non-accusing way, they will most likely by as horrified as you, and put a privacy latch on your daughter's door that somehow can be opened from the outside by your wife and yourself, but no one else.

i know you have already done so - but good thing to acknowledge that she did right. the most important role model in her life is her father as it teaches her how to relate with boys/men and what is acceptable in relationships.

the kids now, at 11, seem to be the emotional age (not maturity) that we were at 15.

i'm just glad that my 7yr old still thinks boys stink. others in her class are already into the hair flipping and eyelash fluttering!
 
Another point of view:

No more sleepovers full stop.

This age group is very different to your generation simply because of the full on communication difference (internet - mobiles - F/book). The awareness of adult life is being inflicted on children who should otherwise be fairly innocent - but are innocent no longer.

From the point of view of having raised teenagers I'd say that any presumptions of cute will have bad consequences.

You could just quietly say to all parties that you'd prefer not to have mixed gender sleepovers.

Be especially vigilant if your children are going to some other friend's homes for a sleepover.
 
Gordon Gekko said:
"this boy" was standing in my room at 2.40am, he wake me up and told me that he loved me

The boy has 2 older brothers, as in 18, 19 with girlfriends.
Click to expand...


Not good Gordo.


Your internal dinger should be dinging quite loudly by about now.


The intention and thoughts behind this are not "kid's stuff".
 
Do not allow that particular boy to sleep over again.

I would be concerned that you mention that two days later your daughter tells you about this. I would also be concerned that she did not want to sleep alone.

I am wondering if there was more happen other then the boy going in to her rooom, ie some form of inappopriate behaviour.

I would not ask your daughter leading questions or put suggestions in her mind but ask her when alone with her to tell you again about the other night and why she does not want to sleep alone. Do not sit down formally and ask but when she is doing something ask her, so she is not threatened. I would also assure her this boy will not sleep over any more. God forbid if anything more did happen children will not disclose until they feel safe.

If she tells you nothing more happened then him appearing in her room then all well and good, but if anything more happened then I would be ringing proffesionals for advice.

Until you find out more, if there is more to find out I would not discuss with the childs parents yet. I would later tell them what occured and that because of his inappropriate behaviour he is not welcome to have sleepovers.

I am sorry I am taking this slant, just raising another thought.
 
Deena said:
I would be concerned that you mention that two days later your daughter tells you about this. I would also be concerned that she did not want to sleep alone.

I am wondering if there was more happen other then the boy going in to her rooom, ie some form of inappopriate behaviour.
Click to expand...

This would be my concern too. Like Lizzie said, 13 is not too young for some youngsters to start experimenting. I don't think I'd be too willing to allow this same child to sleepover again, and you will need to arrange something so that your daughter feels safe when others sleep over in the future.
 
GreenTreeFrog said:
I would sit the 13yo boy down for a light chat, ask him his version. If his story correlates with hers, then I would firmly state the rules and boundaries in my home. And the consequences of breaking them. If his story doesn't correlate with hers, then I would firmly state the rules and boundaries in my home. And the consequences of breaking them! You may not get matching truths, they both have their own version.
Click to expand...


Be very careful speaking to the boy directly and get good advice before you do this.... He is only 13, and, if you feel strongly enough to speak to him then I think it only fair that his parents MUST be present.

However, before you go down this track you must be absolutely certain your daughter is telling the complete truth. The boy could well have a very different story, and the last thing anyone needs is for the situation to escalate.

And yes, I have children of both genders. I also work in a high school and have done extensive child protection training. We are forbidden to talk to a child about any alleged incident without referral to the appropriate agencies, and children are not allowed to be questioned at any level without a parent present.

What you CAN do is to reassure your daughter she did the right think in coming to you. In a day or two talk to her in general about the whole incident, exactly what happened, what he said, what she said. Importantly, when she told him to "bugger off", did he leave her alone? If you do it in a casual way then it won't make the incident loom larger in her mind. I found with my kids that they often opened up if I was driving as there was no eye contact and it did not seem like a quiz session.

Are you comfortable with the idea of going for a quiet beer with the father (who you say is a good friend) to talk this over in a non-accusatory way?

In the short term, sleepovers should quietly become very difficult to arrange.
Marg
 
Now had he given her a bear hug and told her he loved her in front of whoever, while playing Playstation at 9pm, I'd say it was cute - not in this case however :confused:.

As a parent I'd watch this 'teen' closely, and stop the sleepovers.

Definitely have a long chat with your daughter as well.
 
Does your daughter talk to your wife? Maybe they can have a "girlie" talk about this. definitely parise her for her actions "you sure told him, good on you!" etc. If he has touched her, she might be very reticent to actually say what happened.
We have a 16YO boy and a14YO girl and while I am conscious that this can be a bad mix when it comes to sleep overs we still have them. We even had a mixed sleep over New Years eve with about 20 kids.
Having great communication with your children is the best defence in my opinion. and clear ground rules - all the kids that come here know that if I catch them doing something i am not happy with I will ring their parents to remove them, even at 2 am.
 
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