How do you tell your kids the truth and when?

[wylie]

Once our oldest was around 8 or 9 or even 10 (cannot remember exactly, but I was amazed at how long he believed or was not sure and didn't want to be told the truth).

I do remember when he first asked, we asked him "do you believe he is real?" and he did, so we waited until after that Christmas. Kids at school had started questioning and talking but most kids still believed.

I was worred he would be teased if we left it too long, but I honestly think that there must have been quite a number of kids in his class in the same "is it real, or isn't it real" camp. He certainly knew by age 12 and probably the year or two before that, but it is a bit hazy the old memory, especially having had three go through it, it all gets a bit fuzzy.

Probably the next year we told him, but he was very happy to keep the "lie" going because his next brother was three years younger, and then another four years to the youngest. They each enjoyed seeing the delight and amazement and made up all sorts of stories about how Santa got into the house.

By the time the youngest was about seven or so, the oldest was 14 and by then the sibling rivalry and fights were in full swing, and the only way the older two kept quiet for the youngest was that we told them if they spoiled it for him, there would be no Santa gifts for them either.

We used to give the more expensive gifts from Santa, until we wised up and realised Santa was getting all the kudos, (and they probably thought we were tight ar$es), so we switched it and Santa became the tight one . (Once time gets on, you need all the brownie points you can get.... sorry Santa .)

And I agree about my husband's mother. Lovely though she is, I never know what is real or not.

 

[vincenzo]

omg it's like everyone is a woman around here
I guess I and some of my friends were more cynical than most about everything. I don't know if I ever believed it, and I can remember talking to my enlightened friends about how unbelievable things like santa, the easter bunny, tooth fairy, etc were, and laughing at how some of the other kids believed it.

If there were any kids that still believed it at around age 9, they kept quiet about it at school! This was a catholic school btw, and at least some of us were always very suspicious of just about everything they told us in religion class aswell. I like that schools are being more honest with kids these days, sex ed starts at around grade 1 these days!

 

[weg]

Both questioned the Santas at different malls and the logistics of him getting the presents out to kids overnight from perhaps 5yo or so, but we found it easy getting around that. Little kids can be so easily convinced .

Eventually they very much suspected we were lying and asked to be told the truth. This was about 9 or 10.

Both were very disappointed when the game was over but felt relieved when they realised the value of presents would remain the same .

I suspect they will both do the same with their own children because of how special this aspect of Christmas was.

To me it's like a culturally acceptable lie that's in a class of it's own, meant only to bring joy and kids understand this.

 

[weg]

omg it's like everyone is a woman around here

It's only 2 women atm, but I understand how sometimes it can seem like more .

 

[vincenzo]

Exactly! They had figured it out by about 5, but you convinced them (lied to them) Or maybe would it be more accurate to say, that they showed mummy and daddy respect and just agreed with them, even though they didn't really agree with everything they were saying?

Age 9 wasn't when they finally figured it out, that was when they had enough courage to stand up to you

And of course they were relieved that they would still get nice pressies, that is what they were also risking by standing up to you.

you're a woman aswell, right? Everyone's a woman! I bet santa and the easter bunny are women.

 

[wylie]

Exactly! They had figured it out by about 5, but you convinced them (lied to them) Or maybe would it be more accurate to say, that they showed mummy and daddy respect and just agreed with them, even though they didn't really agree with everything they were saying?

Age 9 wasn't when they finally figured it out, that was when they had enough courage to stand up to you

Not my kids. I could tell when they were really doubting, and it certainly was not at five. You can just tell, in my experience, when the penny is dropping. And, believe me, well before then came the "didn't really agree with everything we we were saying".... that was probably well BEFORE five .

And of course they were relieved that they would still get nice pressies, that is what they were also risking by standing up to you.

you're a woman aswell, right? Everyone's a woman! I bet santa and the easter bunny are women.

Of course .

 

[Luv2Travel]

Most kids these days have figured it out by the time they are about 5, so if a parent isn't going to answer thier questions honestly, it doesn't help an honest and open relationship.

I've just started reading some of the comments on this thread, and can't believe some of what I'm reading. My nephew is 5 and still definately believes in Santa and I'd hope that he does for a few more years yet. I remember the whole Santa (and Easter Bunny to a lesser extent) were some of best times of my child hood. If my parents had spoiled it for me to ensure they told me the "truth" I'd have been devastated and missed out on some wonderful magical times.

By the age of 11 I'd be telling the truth, as they've probably worked it out anyhow, and you don't want them to be the only child in school still believing as they might get made fun of. But I think there's no harm keeping it going up to about the age of 10, and don't see it as a lie at all. Some lies are good, such as "how was I in my school play?", "what do you think of my drawing?" etc. Are you really going to respond with "the play was ***** boring, or your drawing is crap"? No, you lie to boost their confidence. And I think it's selfish not to let them enjoy their Christmas and Easter.

 

[Nards]

What a funny thread...

Just for the record, our kids are almost 5, and 7, and they are still firm believers. My daughter has asked me a few times about the Santas in the shops and she knows they are not the "real" Santa...just helpers, and she asks me lots of questions about how Santa carries out his work...I generally just ask her what she thinks, and go along with it, or be pretty vague by saying that no-one really knows how Santa does his magic but that he is certainly a very special man to be able to accomplish such a big task.

There is no way I will be ruining the priceless delight for a good few years yet. The look on childrens faces when they run out to see thay have captured the boot prints of Father Christmas in the talc powder they laid down the night before is priceless, or that the trampoline that magically appeared in the backyard is sprinkled with sparkles...magic. I cant understand how this can be a bad thing. There is not greater joy as a parent than seeing such delight in your child's face, and if a few white lies have to be told..then count me in!!

My 7yo, also firmly believe in fairies and God, even though I dont, (and she know that) but she is adamant they are real...who am I to burst her bubble, she will make her own conclusions as she grows up.

Cheers,
Nadia

 

[skater]

I think it is an unneccessary cruelty to tell young kids that Santa does not exist. I remember well, one of my kids coming home from school in tears because one of their friends told them that Santa is not real. She was 5 years old. I sat her down and had a good talk and asked what she thought, and she said that "Of course Santa is real", so we just took it from there.

I think most kids believe upto around ten years of age. Some a little sooner and some a little later. You will find that the ones who stop at five are because another kid at school has told them it's not real.

You need to remember that by telling your children that Santa is not real, that they need to be mindful of others and not break the spell for their classmates. At five years of age, a child will not have the maturity to allow their friends to believe in something that they know does not exist. Maybe the reason they tell their friends is jealousy. They may thing that their friends get more "stuff" because they get gifts from Santa.

One thing i've noticed, is that some kids are honest with thier parents, even when they've done something wrong, or if someone did something wrong to them, where other kids will never tell thier parents when they've done something wrong, but always will when someone did anything at all wrong to them.

This describes my two girls perfectly. They are like chalk and cheese. Lil was always honest and told me (mostly) everything, even if it meant getting into trouble. My other child was always eager to dob everyone else in for things (especially when she was at fault) and cover things up.

They were both parented in the same way, so there is no way you can attribute the qualities of either one to lying to them about Santa. The traits are simply personality traits of the individual.

 

[vincenzo]

sorry Biggles, you can call me a big meany, but i don't reward my boy for messy pictures... When he was under 2yo i still did, but less and less as he approached about 3yo. This isn't a fixed rule btw, i'm encouraging him as much as i can see he's able to handle.
For example, my 3yo can color in pictures & write his name quite well, using crayon, pencil, texta or paint. When he does a good job, theres a big celebration, and his best works are hanging in the living room.
But when he does a messy job, i tell him so - nicely of course!
Sometimes he's just not in the mood, no problem, but i'm not gonna lie about the messy ones - he's learnt the difference between a rush job and doing your best, and he's proud of his masterpieces on display.

 

[vincenzo]

as i was saying earlier Nards, i'm not planning on spilling the beans.
When my boy becomes suspicious and asks questions however, i'm not going to lie.
I think some of you are also very attached to santa, because santas presents were so awesome... And some people/kids just don't give the nitty gritty much thought. is it really the magic of believing in santa we liked as kids, or was it the magic of getting a big surprise present under the tree?
That is what we wanted, right?

 

[wylie]

That last post just makes me a bit sad for the little chap .

 

[vincenzo]

edit: my wife and other family know that there is santa, but they still get xmas pressies! I ain't no scrooge landlord!!!

everyone is unique Skater, some kids need more of this, and less of that.

Now if a child is being raised well, and the only white lies they are told is santa, the easter bunny and the tooth fairy, then yeah, ofcourse it's no big deal.

Again, i won't be telling him until he asks... But i'm also not making a huge deal about santa either.. I just don't like tricking or misleading him. If that's cruel then sue me.

But don't blame me if one of my boy's friends comes home crying when someone tells the truth. Maybe someone else said it?

 

[RumpledElf]

Sheesh, my little one just scribbles on a bit of paper ... I wouldn't call it drawing. Obviously has her father's artistic talents. She's more interested in making US draw things for HER. So she can scribble them out later.

Other one ... yeah. When she comes in with yet another picture of people being stabbed, dismembered, crucified, blown up etc and enthusiastically explains what is happening in the picture, what more can you do besides say "uh, yeah, that's nice" when the kneejerk reaction is to tell the truth and say "OMG what the hell are you doing drawing pictures like THAT"

 

[vincenzo]

i dont know why you feel sorry for my son Wylie?
He seems to think that all we do is have an awesome time.

 

[Luv2Travel]

That last post just makes me a bit sad for the little chap .

I agree, if I had kids I'd be wanting them to have one of the most joyous times of the year for as long as possible. What if your five year old hears from a bitter kid at school that Santa isn't real, comes home and asks you, you're really going to tell him the truth? It's a bit different to a 10 year old questioning it for themselves.

I remember once we were driving home Christmas Eve and it must have been a dark night so you couldn't see the Dandenong hills, just the light on top. Mum told us it was Santa's sleigh, we were so excited by it I vaguely still remember it. Do I have no respect and dislike the fact she "lied" to us, or am I grateful she gave us those wonderful times and allowed our imagination to experience and enjoy those magical times.

The whole not "lying" to your child thing is nonsense in my opinion, I believe there are such things as good lies and people tell them every day, and I call it being polite or mindful of people's feelings. If honesty is so important to you, does that mean you'd tell your child they're ugly (if they weren't so cute) if they ask, or that they're fat if they have a bit of harmless baby fat and risk an eating disorder, tell them they are stupid or their artwork is crap etc. etc.

Oh well, each to their own, I'm in no position to tell anyone how to raise their children, but I do feel sad for them, if their Santa experience is short lived due to this wonderful thing called 'honesty'.

 

[skater]

Now if a child is being raised well, and the only white lies they are told is santa, the easter bunny and the tooth fairy, then yeah, ofcourse it's no big deal.

Obviously I'm a bad Mum.

When they were both a little older, one year I remember going shopping with them, one at a time. I told each one that they were to help me with presents for the other. As young teens, I could never get the clothing "just right". So, their job was to help.

We would go and they would both show me stuff that they would like, so I used to say "Would your sister like that, do you think?" They would say she would, so I would get them to try the article on. Then I would get the pleeding "Please can I have it?" I would say no, we are looking for presents for your sister. I would then go to look for the correct size (the one that had just been tried on) and would go home with a disgruntled child because I didn't get her what she wanted.

Christmas morning, they opened the presents and were both overjoyed at their presents and totally surprised that I was so "cheeky".

When they were small, when we took them shopping, shopping, Hubby would disappear into the aisle next to ours. The kids would point out stuff that they desperately wanted, and I would tell them that they would have to ask Santa, meanwhile, while their backs were turned, I would hand it to Hubby, and he would pay for it, take it to the car and get back to us before they even realised he was gone.

This would work equally well when they were older too. One of us would stay with them and distract them while the other would go and make the purchases.

 

[vincenzo]

i don't think you're a bad mum, you haven't given that impression at all.
I did say that there is no big deal with a little white lie when it's just a bit of fun.

Notice that i haven't said that you were doing anything wrong, or that i feel sorry for your kids.... Unlike some people, for some unknown reason?

 

[wylie]

Notice that i haven't said that you were doing anything wrong, or that i feel sorry for your kids.... Unlike some people, for some unknown reason?

I feel sad for your little chap because you tell him his colouring in is not up to scratch and he is only three.

 

[vincenzo]

I have never said that to him Wylie!

It seems that your reading however, is not exactly up to scratch